Tips to surviving the Russian invasion of America

Last week I went through the best movies to watch on the eve of World War III, which included classics like RED DAWN and ON THE BEACH, so this week, let’s get into the specifics of how to survive a Russian invasion of the United States.

Russian troops will be attacking Ukraine at literally any minute, and the U.S. is quickly trying to remove various diplomats and American nationals from Ukraine as the NATO countries all rally for support. Of course, who’s to say this doesn’t end with China moving on to Taiwan and, then, North Korea aligning themselves with Russia to invade the mainland USA?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You got all your guns, still piling up in your gun-room from when "The Government" was supposed to be taking them at any time over oh, the past 13 years?

So why not use your arsenal to pew pew the Russian / North Korean invaders? Well, you probably can’t. You (likely) don’t have the same training that the invading forces do. The forces that have been training their entire lives to destroy America. Granted, you do have the lay of the land, which is what gave our ancestors the advantage during the Revolutionary War (along with some integral support from allies including France).

That’s not to say that there won’t be people who can go toe-to-toe with our invading glorious communist visitors, but not as many as you'd like to think. I can rack up a sick score on Call of Duty, but that's a "Far Cry" from the "Battlefield" of real life.

There’s a famous quote from Japanese General Isoroku Yamamoto during World War II that says if America were invaded by Japanese forces there would be a “gun behind every blade of grass”.

That quote has never been verified and is possibly untrue, but nonetheless, I have no doubt that rural America would turn into RED DAWN with caravans of fellas in trucks screaming “Wolverines!” or, rather, “Maroons!” at the bewildered invaders.

If you don’t plan to fight - at least immediately- what are some alternatives?

1. Help the invaders by selling out your friends / locals that you don’t like

This one is fairly obvious, but if the Russian / NK forces barge into your office or home and start waving their AK-47’s in your face, they will likely spare you if you can offer up some juicy information in return.

“Ah, yes comrade, I can pull up Facebook and show you where these guys are! I never liked this guy anyway!”

Think of it, you’d probably get one of those cool fuzzy hats and some dope ration coupons in return for your cooperation.

2. Surrender, and go about your life

In Russian, “I surrender” is “ya podchniyayus”. Just tell them that, and say that you also believe Chernobyl was a secret US attack and not any fault of the Russian government’s own. That will get you on their good side. Ask how their Babushka is, too.

3. Join the rebellion, after you have enough character development

Luke Skywalker was a po-dunk mechanic shooting rats for fun until the Storm Troopers roasted his family and he went to a bar with his crazy homeless wizard buddy before starting an adventure that would lead to the Empire’s defeat.

Or, a more badass character, was Obergruppenfuhrer Smith in Amazon’s “The Man in the High Castle” adaptation. He was a World War II soldier who caved to the Nazis after they dropped the atom bomb on Washington DC, leading to Japan and Germany’s control of America. Smith became a high-ranking Nazi leader- the equivalent of a domestic SS Officer- before he began to lose faith in the party and started doubting his decision to roll over instead of fighting.

So, perhaps initially just living your life and then becoming a cool character is the better alternative?

Only time will tell! Do you have any tips or tricks to survive the Red Dawn? Do you think operation S.A.T.I.R.E. will be successful?